Government Studies Conclude Pot Makes You Feel Good
In a report released April 13, 2015 government
researchers concluded that marijuana, commonly called ‘pot’, ‘reefer’, ‘grass’,
skunk’, and
a myriad of other names makes the user feel good.
Researchers Johnathan B. Goode and Sandra ‘Chuckles’
Berry had planned to release the results of their 2 year study on Wednesday
April 1 but according to ‘Chuckles’ they
just didn’t get around to doing it until today.
She told the Marijuana New Times:
“We had planned to release the report on the 1st, but just plain forgot
about it. Johnathan found it under an empty potato chip bag. But anyhow we did
finish the research and the results were highly controversial, but promising, as
anyone who reads the report will see.”
Marijuana New Times reporter Allen Toklas asked ‘Chuckles’
how the pair had conducted their research.
“Well”, Berry responded, “we constructed our experiment
around the usual setting that marijuana is used in. We wanted our results to reflect a real life
situation instead of a dry clinical setting with boring details which often
leaves the layman trying to decide just what the scientists were saying.”
Toklas: “So no mice died in this experiment?”
“No, no one died,” ‘Chuckles’ laughed.
Marijuana New times wanted to know how the experiment was
set up and what they were trying to determine and the pair were eager to share
how they went about their research.
Dr. Goode began. “We
knew that most marijuana is smoked indoors in a communal setting with two or
more participants usually with music or mindless television shows in
the background. So we rented an
apartment and set up our lab.”
Toklas: “Where did you obtain your marijuana from?”
“The pot was obtained from medical marijuana growers,”
Dr. Goode answered.
Toklas: “So it must have been good quality.”
“Oh man it was!” ‘Chuckles
interrupted with a giggle. Before the interview was over I had come to
understand how she came to get the nickname ‘Chuckles’. She was simply
irrepressible. “We had our choice of any
of the commercial medical strains. You know there are
hundreds, or so it seems. We began
by getting samples of 10 or 15 at a time…I forget now. But after 6 months of
sampling we had decided on a half a dozen or so which we liked the best.”
Toklas: “What were they?”
Toklas: “So let me see you rented this apartment for the
two year study and did your experiments right here. Is that right?”
Berry: “Yes”.
“Toklas: Would you tell our readers how you went about
your work?”
Berry: “I’d be happy too.
In the morning we’d get up and smoke a bowl before making breakfast. We’d
listen to some music while we ate. The music
would usually be Bob Marley and the Wailers or some Grateful Dead. Then after breakfast
we’d go into the living room and turn the TV on and plop down on the couch with
some munchies. Throughout the day we’d
smoke more at two or three hour intervals.
We’d use one strain or another and usually finish up with a heavy Indica
around bedtime.”
Toklas: “That sounds quite realistic.”
Berry: “Yes we had studied the habits of long term marijuana
users and that is exactly the way it is done.
With one exception.”
“Toklas: What was the exception?”
Berry: “Ordinary marijuana users will many times include alcohol
or other drugs with their marijuana use.
We did not do that so as not to distort the result of our study. We wanted to see just what the effects of marijuana
were and adding any other substance would have made the study inaccurate. We didn’t even use coffee.”
Toklas: "No Coffee?”
Berry: “No. Caffeine is a
mind altering stimulant and we did not want that to influence our results.”
The sound of an infant’s crying from another room sent ‘Chuckles’
scurrying. I took the opportunity to ask
Dr. Goode what the results of the study had revealed.
Goode explained: “Well, first of all marijuana far from
being harmful is good for you. It makes
you feel good, it makes you laugh, it removes aggression and makes you feel
loving. All of those are positive
effects we could find no fault with.”
Toklas: “So what were your conclusions?”
Goode: “Well our study has shown that the effect of being a
daily marijuana smoker is able to reduce violence and produce peace of mind
while removing worries. It induces a
sense of camaraderie and even loving feelings.
Along with that it is good for a plethora
of physical ailments.
Marijuana, our research has found, is good for both soul
and body. The physical benefits have been known for years, but the emotional
and societal benefits have not. Our
study remedies that lack in the knowledge about this plant.”
Toklas: “Nothing wrong with that Dr. Goode.”
Goode: “No, nothing at all.
We extended the ramification of our studies to the entire world
population and concluded that if everyone would smoke marijuana daily that
world peace would result and societies would become more compassionate.”
“Toklas: Getting everyone to smoke pot isn’t realistic is
it?”
Goode: “Unfortunately no. The few that
refuse would cause trouble. They would
most likely be the ones who become politicians and begin wars and increase tensions between people in their own country. It's an all or nothing proposition. The study was clear that even a percentage of
90 percent would not suffice. Marijuana users are just so docile and loving
that they could be easily manipulated by the non-smoking 10 percent.”
‘Chuckles’ returned to the living room. She was nursing
the infant I had heard and speaking in low, soothing, motherly tones.
Berry: “This is Sunshine, ‘Chuckles explained. He’s our pride
and joy. He was born right after the start of the second year of our
experiment.”
Toklas: “Oh. I didn’t realize you were married.”
Berry: “We’re not yet, our divorces aren't finalized. But as soon as they are we’re planning to be
man and wife and make a home for our little Sunshine.”
I had one last question for the pair of ground breaking
scientists. “If you were to describe the
effects of marijuana in one paragraph how would you do it?”
Dr. Goode began to speak but ‘Chuckles’ got in
first. “It’s an empathogen. It makes you in tune with the feelings of
other people; it induces feelings of love and tenderness to blossom inside of
you.”
Dr. Goode added. “It
makes you feel good too. Our study has
shown conclusively that smoking marijuana is one factor that can be a major
contributor to bringing about peace and brotherhood in the world by inducing a
sense of personal well-being. So if you need to quote me just say smoking
marijuana makes you feel good.
“Marijuana has gotten a bad reputation and our research
shows it is undeserved. Most of those
who are opposed to marijuana have never used it. Those who have used it and speak against it
have consistently been found to be making a plea deal with the criminal justice
system to avoid a lengthy jail sentence or heavy fine or are seeking political
office.”
The interview had come to an end. I looked at the two
scientists. ‘Chuckles’ was a vision of
peace with a babe sucking contentedly on a nipple. Dr. Johnathan B. Goode by
her side was smiling broadly, clearly he was a proud happy father.
As I was about to exit Dr. Goode spoke: “We’ve applied
for grants to study the effects of Magic Mushrooms, DMT and Ayahuasca. I hope you’ll come back to interview us
again. The world needs a new vision. From what we've seen of the completely
beneficial effects of marijuana indicates the necessity of exploring the potential
of these even more potent empathogens.
You can be a part in telling the world.
Social commentary by David H. Roche C) 2015
