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Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Government Studies Conclude Pot Makes You Feel Good

Government Studies Conclude Pot Makes You Feel Good

In a report released April 13, 2015 government researchers concluded that marijuana, commonly called ‘pot’, ‘reefer’, ‘grass’, skunk’,  and a myriad of other names makes the user feel good.

Researchers Johnathan B. Goode and Sandra ‘Chuckles’ Berry had planned to release the results of their 2 year study on Wednesday April 1 but  according to ‘Chuckles’ they just didn’t get around to doing it until today.  She told the Marijuana New Times:  “We had planned to release the report on the 1st, but just plain forgot about it. Johnathan found it under an empty potato chip bag. But anyhow we did finish the research and the results were highly controversial, but promising, as anyone who reads the report will see.”

Marijuana New Times reporter Allen Toklas asked ‘Chuckles’ how the pair had conducted their research. 

“Well”, Berry responded, “we constructed our experiment around the usual setting that marijuana is used in.  We wanted our results to reflect a real life situation instead of a dry clinical setting with boring details which often leaves the layman trying to decide just what the scientists were saying.”

Toklas: “So no mice died in this experiment?”

“No, no one died,” ‘Chuckles’ laughed.

Marijuana New times wanted to know how the experiment was set up and what they were trying to determine and the pair were eager to share how they went about their research.

Dr. Goode began.  “We knew that most marijuana is smoked indoors in a communal setting with two or more participants usually with music or mindless television shows in the background.  So we rented an apartment and set up our lab.”

Toklas: “Where did you obtain your marijuana from?”

“The pot was obtained from medical marijuana growers,” Dr. Goode answered.

Toklas: “So it must have been good quality.”

“Oh man it was!”  ‘Chuckles interrupted with a giggle. Before the interview was over I had come to understand how she came to get the nickname ‘Chuckles’. She was simply irrepressible.  “We had our choice of any of the commercial medical strains.  You know there are hundreds, or so it seems.  We began by getting samples of 10 or 15 at a time…I forget now. But after 6 months of sampling we had decided on a half a dozen or so which we liked the best.”

Toklas: “What were they?” 

Berry: “Well there was ‘Blue Dream’, ‘Pre-98 Bubba Kush’, ‘Alaskan Thunderfuck’, ‘Jack Herer’, and ‘Girl Scout Cookies’ that stand out.  I’m sure there are more but I can’t remember them now.  I can’t recall one I thought was not up to snuff.  Each strain just seemed to keep getting better.  My favorite was the Pre-98 Bubba Kush.”

Toklas: “So let me see you rented this apartment for the two year study and did your experiments right here. Is that right?”

Berry: “Yes”.

“Toklas: Would you tell our readers how you went about your work?”

Berry: “I’d be happy too.  In the morning we’d get up and smoke a bowl before making breakfast. We’d listen to some music while we ate.  The music would usually be Bob Marley and the Wailers or some Grateful Dead. Then after breakfast we’d go into the living room and turn the TV on and plop down on the couch with some munchies.  Throughout the day we’d smoke more at two or three hour intervals.  We’d use one strain or another and usually finish up with a heavy Indica around bedtime.”

Toklas: “That sounds quite realistic.”

Berry: “Yes we had studied the habits of long term marijuana users and that is exactly the way it is done.  With one exception.”

“Toklas: What was the exception?” 

Berry: “Ordinary marijuana users will many times include alcohol or other drugs with their marijuana use.  We did not do that so as not to distort the result of our study.  We wanted to see just what the effects of marijuana were and adding any other substance would have made the study inaccurate.  We didn’t even use coffee.”

Toklas: "No Coffee?”

Berry: “No.  Caffeine is a mind altering stimulant and we did not want that to influence our results.”

The sound of an infant’s crying from another room sent ‘Chuckles’ scurrying.  I took the opportunity to ask Dr. Goode what the results of the study had revealed.

Goode explained: “Well, first of all marijuana far from being harmful is good for you.  It makes you feel good, it makes you laugh, it removes aggression and makes you feel loving.  All of those are positive effects we could find no fault with.”

Toklas: “So what were your conclusions?”

Goode: “Well our study has shown that the effect of being a daily marijuana smoker is able to reduce violence and produce peace of mind while removing worries.  It induces a sense of camaraderie and even loving feelings.  Along with that it is good for a plethora of physical ailments.

Marijuana, our research has found, is good for both soul and body. The physical benefits have been known for years, but the emotional and societal benefits have not.  Our study remedies that lack in the knowledge about this plant.”

Toklas: “Nothing wrong with that Dr. Goode.”

Goode: “No, nothing at all.  We extended the ramification of our studies to the entire world population and concluded that if everyone would smoke marijuana daily that world peace would result and societies would become more compassionate.”

“Toklas: Getting everyone to smoke pot isn’t realistic is it?”

Goode: “Unfortunately no.  The few that refuse would cause trouble.  They would most likely be the ones who become politicians and begin wars and increase tensions between people in their own country.  It's an all or nothing proposition.  The study was clear that even a percentage of 90 percent would not suffice. Marijuana users are just so docile and loving that they could be easily manipulated by the non-smoking 10 percent.”

‘Chuckles’ returned to the living room. She was nursing the infant I had heard and speaking in low, soothing, motherly tones.

Berry: “This is Sunshine, ‘Chuckles explained. He’s our pride and joy. He was born right after the start of the second year of our experiment.”

Toklas: “Oh. I didn’t realize you were married.”

Berry: “We’re not yet, our divorces aren't finalized.  But as soon as they are we’re planning to be man and wife and make a home for our little Sunshine.”

I had one last question for the pair of ground breaking scientists.  “If you were to describe the effects of marijuana in one paragraph how would you do it?”

Dr. Goode began to speak but ‘Chuckles’ got in first.  “It’s an empathogen.  It makes you in tune with the feelings of other people; it induces feelings of love and tenderness to blossom inside of you.”

Dr. Goode added.  “It makes you feel good too.  Our study has shown conclusively that smoking marijuana is one factor that can be a major contributor to bringing about peace and brotherhood in the world by inducing a sense of personal well-being. So if you need to quote me just say smoking marijuana makes you feel good.

“Marijuana has gotten a bad reputation and our research shows it is undeserved.  Most of those who are opposed to marijuana have never used it.  Those who have used it and speak against it have consistently been found to be making a plea deal with the criminal justice system to avoid a lengthy jail sentence or heavy fine or are seeking political office.”

The interview had come to an end. I looked at the two scientists.  ‘Chuckles’ was a vision of peace with a babe sucking contentedly on a nipple. Dr. Johnathan B. Goode by her side was smiling broadly, clearly he was a proud happy father.

As I was about to exit Dr. Goode spoke: “We’ve applied for grants to study the effects of Magic Mushrooms, DMT and Ayahuasca.  I hope you’ll come back to interview us again. The world needs a new vision. From what we've seen of the completely beneficial effects of marijuana indicates the necessity of exploring the potential of these even more potent empathogens. You can be a part in telling the world.

Social commentary by David H. Roche C) 2015

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