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Monday, May 08, 2017

DisLexic Airlines Announces Radical Policy Changes In Wake Of Customer Abuse Revelations

After a series of media exposes involving mistreatment of passengers DisLexic Airlines Inc. has announced a stunning review of it's policies.  This action on the part of the airline comes after the highly publicized beating, expulsion and arrest of a touring group of deaf and dumb autistic patients whose only means of communicating was through miming.   

In the first hours after the incident DisLexic Airlines Inc. Ceo, Fukwit Profit sought to discredit the group saying:  "Our crew felt threatened.The rioting passengers were making ungodly grunting groaning noises and some were slobbering. All of the perpetrators were making, what the crew determined, were threatening gestures with grotesque expressions on their faces. It was that determination which resulted in the successful takedown and liberation of the airplane from the threat of these terrorists.  Except for a broken nose and a few missing teeth by the terrorist rioters none of the passengers were hurt. Thank Jehovah."  

DisLexic Airlines Inc. immediately removed from it's website the previous post (which Pie in the Face News caught a screenshot of) and replaced it with the following post.

Ceo Fukwit Profit can be seen on the official DisLexic Airlines Inc. website in an official video making the following statement:  "As many have seen in the news there have been a series of incidents associated with our trademark that make  DisLexic Airlines appear insensitive to the needs of travellers. 

"As of today we are determined to challenge that public perception by making the following changes.

The first major change will be no longer hiring those with law enforcement or martial arts background. We are now going to encourage our employees to think of themselves as aiding people in making their journey instead of operating a flying prison. Instead of the heavy handed government approved fascist tactics we will make sure every customer is treated with respect. Even those with disabilities. This is our promise." 

The announcement by DisLexic Ceo Fukwit Profit was received by the American people the way a mother cleans up the floor under the high chair. 
"Right", was the roll your eyes response that appeared on just about every face. That response appeared to be justified as almost as if on cue a series of atrocities occurred involving DisLexic Airlines.  

The most serious of the incidents involved a 99 year old passenger. Within two days of Fukwit Profit's saying the Airline would abolish it's heavy handed approach to customer service 99 year old Helen Marvis was found near death in a wheelchair in the lobby of PPP holding a ticket for a flight two days previously.  Jorge Jesus who works from midnight to 8:30 on the janitorial staff at PPP told  Pie in the Face News reporter Yew Didit: "I had seen her there for at least two days.  I didn't think much of it seeing how air travel is. But the third day I thought to myself there's something not right here. That's when I said something after I swept around her and she asked for water. She didn't ask, she kind of croaked out something that sounded like 'water'. I've worked here six years and seen a lot on this shift but this is the damndest thing I've ever seen." 

Investigation by Pie in the Face News has revealed that 99 year old Helen Marvis had been told at the boarding gate she needed someone to travel with her because of her disability. DisLexic employees at the ticket counter said they explained to the 99 year old Marvis that she needed someone to ride with her. Marvis is deaf as well as wheelchair bound. Hospital staff have indicated she is on IV fluids but are hopeful she will recover.

There were protesters at DisLexic Airlines ticket counters and Pie in the Face News stopped to interview Shirley Greenhouse of "Fair Play For Humans" a group which formed in response to violence against customers by the airline industry. 

Greenhouse was clearly angry.  "We're human beings for God's sake not cattle!  This practice must stop. And we're going to make it stop.There's no reason air travel has to be like being taken to a 'black site'."  

In the place where on any other usual business day, there was a line of people waiting to buy tickets there was not a single person. It appeared to Pie in the Face News that at least for today they had succeeded.

Reporting from PPP this is Yew Didit for Pie in the Face News.  Pie in the Face News, where the facts are always alternative, but the message is always Right On.

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A practitioner of the art of living with the intent of learning how to die without fear.