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Friday, May 19, 2017

President Trump Announces Plans For Elimination Of Homelessness, Unemployment And The National Debt

Dateline Intercourse West Virginia.  
Yew Dewit for Pie In The Face News.

While scuffling back and forth with courts and prosecutors over media driven topics like political corruption and treason, President Trump tackled several of the most pressing problems facing the ruling elite class he represents. The problems of homeless and jobless people and the national deficit seemed insurmountable to all except Trump. These were problems he had in his sights until the recent squabble over treason and political corruption wormed it's way into the headlines. 

Today, as if he were unaware that the proceedings which have begun to investigate his cabal of nere-do wells for high level crimes, he announced how he will solve the problems of homelessness, unemployment, and the fiscal crisis.

The President revealed his plan today in Intercourse West Virginia before an eager crowd of unemployed moonshiners who had been forced out of work by the government and were hoping to hear words of hope from the savior they had voted for. There had been rumors that their beloved leader had a plan to provide jobs to replace what the government had taken from them. He was their man and they wanted to know what amazing plan he had come up with.

"Folks", the POTUS began, "Times are tough, yes they are. You've probably heard what the liberal press is trying to do to me. They're all fake news and they're not going to succeed ... I'm a winner!"

The President, eating from a very large bag of orange grease loaded junk food as he spoke, went on to explain his plan for saving America. 

"The problems of homelessness and unemployment and the national debt all have a common thread which binds us all to one another.  Unfortunately now the thread of society is unwinding and that is destroying the fabric of America as we know it. Today I announce an end to those very, very serious problems faced by the nation."

The President paused giving the gathered audience the impression he was gathering his thoughts, as he ran his orange stained fingers through his glorious yellow hair before licking them with obvious relish and continuing.

"You know folks last night between tweets I had this thought.  I think a lot folks, I think a lot folks, you can believe that. I said to myself, these three pressing problems facing the nation can be solved very simply."

The President went on to explain how by the executive order he would sign before leaving Intercourse that day would make homelessness a job description.  Furthermore the collection and redemption of returnable cans and bottles would be considered, for taxation purposes, a job which would eliminate both unemployment and increase income tax revenue.

President Trump concluded:  "By this executive order the so called homeless, nobody really knows what they are, can be made to pay their fair share for partaking of this great nation's bounty. By taxing the revenue of these homeless can gatherers we can balance the national budget on their backs without a tax increase for the wealthy. For that reason I have instructed my administration to begin capitalizing on this largely hidden workforce that holds hostage such an immense amount of unreported underground income."

The President became inspired as he went on to explain how his plan would work. "Do you know how many homeless and unemployed this nation has?  We have an awful lot. By the signing of this Presidential order our financial and our employment, problems will vanish. Each and every homeless and unemployed person in the nation will now be able to afford food and housing should they want it. From now on they have no excuse for being out of work. There will always be cans to pick up. 

"My pledge to the American people is and always has been that I would make America great again. Restoring full employment is the first step." 

Trump was whisked away from the photo op by helicopter leaving the befuddled gathering of unemployed moonshiners to contemplate the meaning of his words around Enos Baumgartner's still.

Yew Dewit reporting for Pie In The Face News
a product of the Dadaist News Service. 
Pie In The Face News does not rely on facts because facts get in the way of truth.
Pie In The Face News is 1st Amendment protected.

(C) 2017 by David H. Roche

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A practitioner of the art of living with the intent of learning how to die without fear.