Spoof News Net: President Offal announces new solar initiative in the war on terror
Anxious citizens gathered expectantly today waiting to hear President Offal make the official announcement of the proposed new generation of solar collection stations that would rejuvenate the local economy. The unveiling of an artist’s perception of the planned solar collection station on the top of Pommel Mountain recreational area was designed more as a promise as no electricity would be produced for at least a decade. But it was a promise. Whether it was genuine or fraudulent remains to be seen but it is a promise that the people need now even if it turns out to be a lie.
Due to national security interests involving worsening relations with oil producers in almost every place on the globe the green trump card was pulled from the bottom of the political deck. Standardized ‘Green’ technology contracts had already been drawn up and the call sent out as an incentive. “The new industry,” the President explained would, “contribute to the continued good health of Wall Street without need of being slaves to an oligarchy of carbon terrorists as we are today.”
Locally the desperate homeowner on the brink of both unemployment and foreclosure saw it as a ray of hope shining on a future that had become hopelessly bleak. The promise of jobs seemed almost too good but it did offer a sliver of hope. Several environmental restrictions were quickly set aside rapidly spawning a spate of innovative solar designs in the war on terrorism.
The first generation prototype of a breath taking and visually stunning solar collection station was represented on a billboard sized painting. The solar collection station, SCS, dubbed the ‘Solar Servant’ was oo’d and aah’d over by those who were present. The atmosphere was festive, but it was a festivity created by the promoters and the presence of the local high school marching band having nothing to do with how they felt. All who were there had an ominous sense that this was their last chance, their very last chance. After chafing for years from the spiked collar of high petroleum prices around their necks they were willing for anything that would release them from the ever skyrocketing energy costs and make their lives normal again.
Below is the artist's depiction of the proposed SCS.
A local timber company had contracted to remove the timber for a roadway to the work site at the mountains summit, the President told the crowd. They had already received a contract of $55,000 to remove the timber for the building of the roadway and preparation of the construction site. “Money that will go into the pockets of people right in your community.” The assembled audience cheered loudly for several minutes.
The President continued revealing his vision for the nation. “The smart developer taking advantage of opportunities presented by the federal government then is able to resell the 'trash' which is really quality timber. In effect we are blazing a trail to a brand new and virtually limitless government pork barrel of corporate profits and community success. This initial project has already been examined with interest as a possible option by other communities and the first tree had not been removed. Fellow Americans, things are looking up;” the President beamed. “I see jobs, I see hope. I see a better America.” He was a splendid orator and the crowd was at the point of grasping at a hope as flimsy as this and was ready to sell their future to the sun. And why wouldn’t they be, he had used the magic word “hope”? He exuded hope, and it was contagious.
Environmental groups, as expected, were out in force. Twenty or so scruffy and disruptive hecklers interrupted the President's remarks several times, claiming, among other things, that he was raping a virgin forest. The President responded to the small but vocal group of environmental whacko’s as well as the decent citizens assembled saying: "In the interest of national security, the U.S. having pissed off most of the oil producers in the world, must exploit this inexhaustible resource. You are going to have to get used to it. We must all sacrifice for the common good. Be sure to turn the heat down, the air conditioning up and the lights off when not in the room. Now let’s all pull together and beat those evil terrorists who are holding us hostage with carbon.” His words created an image of the future in their minds and it was a bright sunny future filled with hope and blue skies. But unknown to them, somewhere in the blue skies vultures were flying. The shadow they cast was small, almost invisible now, but in days to come it would darken the land.
The President’s message, however, was like water to a parched garden in a drought. It was received well by the vast majority who quickly set upon the small group of terrorist environmentalists beating them to a pulp and leaving them to nurse their wounds. Then spontaneously the vast majority of the crowd began chanting “Offal, Offal, Offal and burst into singing ’God Bless America’ as they went to their cars to go home or the beer concessions for conversation. The President was visibly moved at the response.
It was a stirring moment. Some in the crowd with an entrepreneurial bent were overheard discussing the possibility of a solar theme park attraction at the base of the SCS. It would replace the mountain that was the initial attraction but which had to be sacrificed in the war against the terrorist carbon oligarchs.
(C) 2012 David H. Roche a Clear Running Water state of mind
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